I've blown a few things in my day
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
