he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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