I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
