you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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