My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
