I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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