Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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