i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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