she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
