ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
