Whod you bang
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
