Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
