the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
