Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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