My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
