I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
