what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Come back. Shots need mouths.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Randomize
