I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
