This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
