Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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