I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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