I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
