Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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