yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
