Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
