bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
