Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
