Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
