i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
