so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
