just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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