If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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