Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
