you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
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