return my video game
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
