he thought i was a dude.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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