The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
