Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
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