We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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