I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
