I wanna passion pit in your ass
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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