one word: firstdatebathroomanal
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
whose parrot is this?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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