Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
