i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
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