yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
