he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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