Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
