my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
