i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
