whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
