I looked at my own cervix.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
How does one acquire holy water?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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