Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
