I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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