This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
