i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
