Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
