Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
