I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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